It’s late. Sunday night is ready to blend into a fresh Monday morning. I hear Evert rouse in his sleep across the room- day 24 of marriage, bed number 5 on our journey home. We’re so close, only time and two keys stand between. Why am I awake? Why do You hold me from rest? I do not sleep, so instead I pray. For the hearts here, in this land lived below sea level. I pray for family, for friends, for peace to rush in like a flood, for joy and an appetite for life to rise. For gratefulness for this man I have recently married, for grace and patience to drench him as he lives and breathes.
As I pray, You fill me. Could I ever feel closer to You than now? Your heartbeat resonating within my chest, Your thoughts streaming seamlessly through my mind and soul. My heart thumps faster as the truth rushes through,
” I’ve created you to live. If you do not live with love, life is not worth living. Are you alive with love? Why not? ‘Do what you love’ is so futile, yet is an arrow in the right direction. ‘Do what you do. And love.’ I have laid down my life for you. I fought heaven and hell to breath your life into being- are you alive? It doesn’t always feel like a live wire- you don’t always hear the buzz of the energy, but are you close? Are you in pursuit of the reason? The reason I have spoken fire into existence? Do you beat in rhythm with my heart? Do you dance to the sound of my voice? I made you for ecstasy, and then I placed you perfectly in the world. When you get close to me, you buzz. When you allow the sadness, the brokenness, the ‘Where the hell is God?’ of your world to come too close, the buzz softens, the energy leaves your blood, the motivation to come closer, it fades away.
I need you to push, to allow Me to pull you closer to Me.Let me come close. Whether you know how to do that or not, let Me show you. When it all closes in, it doesn’t always feel like it’s all falling apart, rather it slowly, slowly, slowly fades into a thump….. thump…………. thump………….
So escape it for a while. Leave your calling, leave your purpose, leave your vision- leave it all and let Me love you back to life. Let me breathe the breath of eternal life into the dry and cracked depths of your bones. Let me speak indelible purpose into the mundane of your days. Let me ignite your passion once more, to love so loud you cannot ignore it, to lead you back to your true self.
Daughter. Son. Please. Will you trust?
Even if you don’t know it. Even if it doesn’t feel like all your drive is gone. Even if somehow you’re still holding on.
Let Me come in like the flood.
Let Me pour over you.
Let Me rush into you.
Let me wash away dryness, fatigue, lifelessness, mundane, hopelessness…
Will you let Me refresh you?”
I put my pen down. I sat in silence as Amsterdam slept. The Lord crashed into me when I didn’t expect it, but isn’t that often how He moves? Providing just what we need, right when we need it, whether we know it or not? As I sat, peace washed over me, all the while excitement grew inside of me. It’s nothing new, really, just a reminder, a little fire set underneath me to keep me moving: LIVE. Really live. Not in a pressure filled “have to get the most out of this life” kind of living, but a “Jesus was abandoned, accepted murder, fought hell, and WON” kind of living.
Finally, after some time with God, I went to sleep. I awoke and returned to my work, just the same as every Monday morning. Yet this time, though nothing there had changed, I returned with a new passion, a new hope, a new name. I am the living one. I am here for a reason. This life is beautiful, and when it’s hard to see that, I’ll work even harder to show it. He gave me life, so I’m living it.
With Strength that is not my own,